Who is In Charge of Your Life?
After years in the life coaching business, and after talking to many clients as part of Life Coach Auckland, there is one thing we have noticed.
That is, how most people behave differently in different settings? And these different ways of behaving can be quite contrasting.
The caring concerned mother at kindergarten drop-off hardly seems like the same hard-nosed woman that manages a team of plucky, testosterone filled males at the corporate office. Then there’s her husband whose life has been enriched by seeing both faces, and probably a few more. Likewise she would have been exposed to his many sides.
You may even be aware of some of your own inner personalities. Perhaps you’re aware of some that like to consult with you during your self-talk, like the cartoon character with his own little devil on one shoulder and his Saint on the other, both competing for attention and trying to influence his decisions.
Psychology recognizes these diverse elements of the personality as different aspects of the whole person, and they serve a purpose. They help us to adapt to the social environment, bring out what’s needed to get different tasks accomplished, and enable us to meet others at a level of common interest.
When a person who was previously ill tempered and obnoxious, later becomes cheerful and friendly, we tend to say “He’s changed”, when the only thing that’s changed is the behaviour. We are able to express different aspects of ourselves at different times.
You could say we have the ability to play different roles in different circumstances, as you no doubt recognize. But what we don’t usually know – or question – is who chooses the role we play?
Along with the wee devil and the Saint, we have a number of other distinct aspects in our personality. They can be considered as sub-personalities, all striving to express themselves. And depending which one succeeds decides the corresponding role we then play. Because they are semi-autonomous, usually we are quite unconscious of the jousting match that has unfolded within.
Problems arise when a person becomes so fully identified with a particular sub-personality, and lives that identity so completely that they loose touch with who they really are. This can be typical of celebrities in the media fishbowl.
You may know someone who identifies themselves so strongly with their position at work that they have trouble adjusting to family life when they get home, or any aspects of life outside the confines of the office.
A common scenario is the high profile athletes wanting to make a come-back, more often than not because they feel like they have no identity outside the sporting arena that nurtured and shaped a part of them with such great influence.
Such a person is living their life according to their perceived expectations of others. Their own wants and needs become subordinated to meet what society expects from the role they fill. In extreme cases this can destroy a person, as witnessed with too many movie and music celebrities.
Getting to know our sub-personalities can be a wonderful and liberating growth experience. By becoming aware of and understanding them we can better coordinate and direct their expression to our own needs and goals, lessening the feeling of inner conflict as we transform them into helpful allies, allowing us to live with greater harmony and integration.
Want help? For a free interview contact Life Coach Auckland today.
Auckland Life Coach | The Forgotten Art of Listening
